Edward's Secret Pastime
by Rolyat Eivyf
Summary: D'aww, Eddie and Bells gettin' all comfy n' cozy :D Fluff jah?


**Okay, first of all. I DO NOT find the act of raping someone funny or cool or at all appropriate. This story is strictly fictional, and does not condone the act of rape. Rape is a serious sexual crime, and should be assumed as such. BUT, who in this teenage world has not gotten their butt smacked and jokingly shouted, "Rape!" or "Sexual Assault!"? This story is just a joke, and no real rape takes place since Bella is Edwards consensual little slave girl. The story is strictly for comical purposes. Please people, live a little. Second of all, I do not own Bells, Ed, Jake, or Emett. Charlie I like to keep in my closet, but technically he belongs to SM. **

**So anyways, enjoy the story. It might even make you smile.  
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Bell sat on the couch beside Edward. The sun was streaming in through the kitchen window, spilling into the living room and making Edward's icy skin all pretty and sparkly. Bella was leaning against his stony chest, trying to ignore the tightness in the base of her neck (as all normal people would get from prolonged exposure to leaning against frozen, human shaped rocks). She knew she could move, but her love for Edward and the excitement of his closeness made it easier to ignore the tight muscle.

Edward was staring at Bella--which everyone but Bella realizes is a little rapist-like--wondering as always what she is thinking about, because he's a very nosy person who always wants to know weird things like what you're thinking every second of the day so he can predict all your movements and randomly appear when you need him. Which is also slightly stalker-like, but Bella doesn't know that. However, if he could read her mind he might realize that her neck is really starting to hurt a lot, and fix that for her, but at present he is totally oblivious to this problem.

"Bella?" Edward said, shifting his weight (even though he is completely comfortable the way he is, but is always trying to act more human; not at all to suggest that all humans are fidgety) so that the muscle in Bella's neck tightened even more.

"Hm?" She replied.

Edward was silent for a moment, not because he was trying to build up suspense, but because his vastly distractible vampire mind had been distracted by a small insect crawling through Bella's hair. Bella turned her head and looked at him, relieving the pain in her neck. This movement of Bella brought Edward's mind back to the original point.

"You are beautiful," he said softly, again distracted by something in her hair. This seems to be the only thing Edward knows how to say to Bella unless he is telling her what she is and isn't allowed to do. Particularly with large dogs.

Bella's face flushed beet red with blood and then she frowned. Edward often commented on her beauty, but because she is an overly self-destructive, totally void of self esteem person, she never actually believes him. I mean how could you? I could hardly believe someone who looks as gorgeous as Edward told me I was beautiful. It would be like he was mocking me. What a jerk.

Anyways, so Bella is frowning because she's retarded and thinks she's ugly even though every guy in the whole freaking school wants to bang her brains out and make other pointless characters jealous. That's Bella's purpose in life. To believe she's ugly, hopeless, plain, and get the hottest guys and make the other more confident girls feel like she does. She's such a downer. God. Anyways, again, Edward laughs his wind-chime chuckle (which now makes him sounds like a pedophile) and Bella is suddenly in aw of his amazing voice. It almost makes her forget she's so damn ugly.

So then, Edward runs his hands down her curvy hips, letting out a low growl. "You are really beautiful, Bella."

A strange feeling blossoms in Bella's stomach. This could be the fact that she's in utter shock at the fact that a guy might actually have the desire to ravish her hideous body, or because Bella Swan is actually feeling something other than self destructive guilt. I know it's kind of unrealistic, but I think we'll roll with the latter.

So, Bella's getting all hot'n heavy over her icy cold friend, who is already getting all . . . chilly'n heavy . . . I guess . . . over his delicious human love interest. The front of his pants are starting to feel a little tight as he kisses Bella's jaw and neck. He runs his hands up and down Bella's sides, slipping his fingers below the hem of her pants.

Bella gasps, more from the fact that Edward just stuck his icicle fingers down her pants than from arousal, but let's just pretend. The rapist-stalker-pedophile can't read her mind, anyways. Edward runs his freezing cold hands up her shirt, making poor Bella shiver. Slowly he eased her down onto the couch so the he was hovering over her. Unsure of what was about to happen, Bella stared up at him with wide eyes; which, to anyone who has ever tried to kiss someone with their eyes open, knows it's very creepy to be stared at while doing so. Edward tried to ignore this.

He leaned back, eyeing his prey-err, beautiful girlfriend. Bella sat up unsteadily, her face bright red. Her head mind was racing.

"Edward . . ." She said shakily, but Edward covered her lips with his own.

"Shhh," he said softly.

Slowly he trailed his kisses down, stopping at her pant line and started pulling up her shirt. Slowly he followed her shirt with kisses as he pulled it over her head. Bella, convulsing and getting redder in the face like the oddling she is, covered her bare chest with her arms. No one really knows why she wasn't wearing a bra. Gently, as not to seem forceful, Edward pulled her arms away from her chest and placed his hands on her breasts, kissing and rubbing.

Bella gasped, again from the fact that Edward is totally insensitive to the fact that his skin is like negative ten degree's and Bella's boobies are sensitive. So, he does his thing and gets his boob fetish out of the way before pulling off his own shirt. His snowy white chest is perfectly sculpted, almost like marble, which gave Bella the impression of fooling around with a moving statue in Antarctica.

Edward stared at Bella's exposed chest and slightly blotchy face. Her breasts were obviously more appealing to stare at (not to mention fondle and smooch), but being the good-natured undead dude that he is, Edward gave Bella's face some attention too. He pulled her against his chest, probably giving her frost-bitten boobs, and kissed her hard on the mouth.

This kiss lasted for a few minutes before Bella's hair was a mess and she needed a second to breathe. Edward sat back, frowning slightly, since he was vampire and did not need to take a breath he found Bella's need for oxygen seriously irritating. He gave her about two seconds (which to a vampire is like an hour) to get her breath back before pushing her back down onto the couch and lowering himself onto her.

Bella, slightly panicked, could barely breathe and was freezing her ass off. But, being the martyr she is, didn't say anything as her undead boyfriend unbuttoned her pants and yanked them. He then pinned her to the couch in a slightly rapist like way as he quickly removed his pants and boxers. Edward now eyed the only piece of clothing left: Bella's underwear.

She wore some plain blue underwear, which didn't surprise Edward since Bella liked to pretend she was part Amish. The way she always complained about how plain and insignificant and unoriginal she is. Definitely some Amish complex in there.

Anyways, back to the task at hand, Edward shrugged subtly and ripped them off. Bella's face was as red now as a tomato as she stared up at the ceiling, blatantly refusing to admire Edward is all his sparkling glory.

"What's the matter?" Edward asked seductively, pressing his body against hers.

"I've never-"

"I know," Edward said, because it makes Edward feel powerful to know everything someone is going to say. "I'll be careful."

Bella tentatively glanced down. Her eyes widened. Edward smiled, knowing this always derails her brain. Bella smiled back, totally forgetting that she had noticed the front door was slightly open.

Slowly Edward positioned himself between Bella's legs, keeping his overly mentioned golden eyes locked on Bella's muddy brown ones. Gently he pushed inside her, making Bella almost squeal because his dick might as well have been a freaking popsicle down there, and that's hardly comfortable. However, because Edward is the controlling rapist-stalker he is, he ignores this and pushed Bella hard against the couch and started moving in and out of her.

Bella, being the stupid subdominant character she is, allows this statutory rape (yes, Bella is 17 and Edward is . . . older than 18) to occur. Once Edward was finished, and Bella was thoroughly numbed down there, he sat back and admired his work. Suddenly Bella's eyes grew wide.

"You're not wearing a condom!" She exclaimed.

Edward glanced down and smirked. "It seems not."

"Don't you smirk! That's not cool! I'm only 17! What if I'm pregnant!"

Edward smiled, scattering Bella's brainwaves like the asshole he is. "You're not."  
"But-"

He smiled harder. "You're not."

Bella paused. "Why are you smiling like that?"

Edward frowned. "Would you just trust me, damn it?" He demanded threateningly, because rapists like to be in control of the situation. They don't like it when their victims fight back.

Bella, the gullible dork, smiled goofily. "I trust you."

"Good!"

Suddenly a large burly bear appeared in the doorway with his cell phone drawn, laughing his happy ass off as the phone snapped picture after picture.  
"Emett!" Bella screamed, crossing her legs and covering her chest with her arms.  
Edward, the rapist, caught in the act did what any good rapist would do. He burst into a violent rage. With inhuman speed he redressed just as Jacob entered the room as well.

He let loose a wolf whistle. "Hey Bells!"

Bella, now reaching hysterics, balled up on the couch and started rocking. Edward crushed Emett's phone and Jacob was trying to cover the bulge in his pants, because he's totally into hideous teenage women, and all this is happening just as  
Charlie enters the room.

Charlie had just returned from a long day of tracking down the Care Bear Rapist, a devious man who stole children who owned special edition Rainbow Heart Care Bears and instead of raping the child tied the child to a fuzzy pole and raped the Care Bear in front of them. To say the least, it had been a long, disturbing day.

Everyone paused, and turned to Charlie, except Bella of course, who is still in a catatonic state. Edward and Emett cleared out in half a second, leaving poor Jacob to place a blanket over his crotch and run out the door.

And in conclusion, Charlie is left feeling very angry and confused as his already severely complex riddled daughter rocks nakedly on the living room couch. Slowly he looks from the door to the couch, and in a very lost voice wonders, "What the hell?"


End file.
